Where no one knows my name

I'm writing this dow so that again, I won't forget.  Although it is better to, I may need this in the future.

For the record, I will go through this chronologically.

Last year, when I got robbed, I called my ex because his number is one of the three numbers I have memorized in my head.  My parents were panicky and cannot be spoken to coherently and my bestfriend was fast asleep.  I had no choice but to try his number at the police station since I did not have my cel with me.  I was robbed in a cab, a friend called it express kidnapping. 

So ex goes to my house all worried (much appreciated) but for me that was all it was. I broke up with him for a reason, I just badly neede a friend that night.  He offered to find a way to provide me a celphone I can use for work since I had a very big task at hand during that time- coordinating for a Presiden't state visit in our country.  I declined his oofer, saying I can use my mum's celfone for now.  He insists and I continue to decline.  He said, no strings attached and still I declined.  The morning after he comes to my house at 4 am and hand my mum their maid's celfone and sim.  He said to my mum that if he handed it tome, I will never accept it.

So anyway, I found it sweet but a bit weird seeing a picture of us hugging pixelized on the screen.  He placed it there. I used that for work, and did not save any numbers knowing i'll  only be using it for the meantime.  I sent out messages to people while typing their numbers to send it out.  I gave back his phone early this year upon grave insisting.  He had a new gf Feb this year and somehow that hurt me a bit (a teeny bit more of a pride thing)   When I knew about it, he YMd me and began to flirt with me and when he found out I knew, he said "If you ask me to choose right now, I'll still choose you."  That confused me a bit.    But I had my reasons for breaking up with him and I insited he get his phone back immediately.  When I gave him the phone, I said that no one texts there anymore coz I've informed the people I know that I've reverted back to my old phone.  I have no control over peoples' phonebook so if in any event someone texts to that number, he should just tell that person that I'm not using that phone anymore.  We never spoke after that.  I never even visited his site.

That was November last year to Feb this year. Jump to the present.

Last Friday, 15 June 2007.  I was with my boss doing an ocular at the Hyatt Hotel. She asked me to call Acel, my officemate to ask about the status of her visitor arriving that afternoon. But I don't have Ace's number, since we aren't close. I mean we talk in the office but not outside so I did not see the need to get her number.  Anyway I called another person in our office to ask Acel to call me.  When I did not get a response I called another officemate and asked to talk to AceL.  She told me that she texted me this: Pls tell Ms Koh that her visitor will be late." And she sends it to a number she saved in her cel.  Guess what?  That number is the  one that he lent me last year.  My officemate receives this text:

Officemate: Pls tell Ms Koh that her visitor will be late.

Response: Who is this?

Officemate: Acel po.

Respnse: I am not ____! This is Gerard. 

My officemate got a bit worried and told me this.

Monday 18 June 2007.  My officemate told me that she was awakened Sat morning with calls from the number she sent a missed text to.  The woman was screaming telling her to admit that she was me.  She got four hostile calls.  In one of the calls, my officemate heard a man in the background asking the girl who she was talking to and the girl replies my name.

Of course I was furious! Attacking my officemate.  Draging my personal life to work and in that manner!  So I called Gerard to tell him what that was about?  He replies in his usual innocent voice that he does not know anything about it.  I told him that he was a liar and will always be.  He hung up.

Then the woman calls my celphone and screams and curses at me. Over and over..she doesnt seem to know how to breath.  I shouted back at her to shut up and she hangs up.  I called my ex several times but he won't answer.  I texted them both that they should stop harrassing me or else I'll take this to court.

 

I get these messages:

Hahaha! Kakatuwa ka! Bkt ka 2mwag kay gerard! Pangit! Mukhang kwago! Mukhang plato!!!  Hahaha! Pangit ka na pangit pa ugali mo. Atleast half german ako! D ako mukhang plato!

14:28:08; 18-06-2007

Nkamove on kana! Hahaha! Bkt k pa 2mtwag s asawa ko! Diring diri sayo c gerard pati magulang nya sab sayo npakapangit ng ugali mo!Yak! Kakahiya ka! Tanda2x muna para kang bata! Hahaha! Kahit cno s mga naging relatives ni gerard pangit k daw mas maganda ako! Napakapangit p daw ng ugali mo!Hahaha!

14:30:25; 18-06-2007

I replied:

Oh my. I'm so glad gerad found you. I really am.

 

Karma is swift and he got himself an 18 year old palengkera who if it's true that their married, he prolly got pregnant.  Karma is sweet.

So anyway.  I will also put here everything that bastard did to me. Btw I have a new nickname for them: The non-breed half german shepherd, half poodle bitch and her bastard dawg.

Gerard called around 5:30 pm to tell me that I was the one who started the whoel thing. I was like, I never talked to you anymore and I already have my own life. he wa still babbling so I hung up.  He called a couple of times and I shut off my phone.

Take note guys, this is a different girl from the "Dianne".  I wonder what makes these girls seem to think they know me too well and do those things to me? Add the fact that I don't know them! Ah..of course..Gerard the culprit.  Even when we were together he say all the nasty things about his exes to me. I feel some are even made up and he makes it look like his exes are running after him.  Even his mother talks badly about his exes to me.  I would always tell gerard to forget coz during the time we were together we could make new memories. I even defended one of his exes from his mom.

Whew, that exhausted me.  But there.

 

 

One of the biggest flattery is knowing that just by being your wonderful self, you made one bitch extremely insecure of herself.

- a text message from one of the passers of Phils Next Top Model. 

This girl is nice..let's all wish her luck!

 Happy New Year to all!

Q: Why do bitches come out during Christmas?

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A: To replace the devil.

 

Just the other day I hyperventilated at work after seeing a comment in my friendster blog.  As everybody knows, I've just been held up/kidnapped.  I'm not really feeling well the past weeks and I've lost 15 lbs.  I'm not really one who asks for pity but I am really harrassed and traumatized and I should admit it.

Anyhoo..here's this comment by my ex's whore.  She accuses me of calling her some months ago (read: I broke up with the psycho ex a year ago and didn't communicate with him since) and I don't even know her number and I don't care..she's ugly.  She says I have no right to call my ex selfish (when in fact when I was all flustered at the police station after being held up I called 4 numbers I Have memorized in my head - my parents, my sister, my bestfriend and him, coz I used to call him a lot a year ago when we were together)  Anyhoo, my parents were frantic and couldn't hear a word I said - theyre very old, my sister was asleep, so was my bestfriend...I was left with his number. 

But, oh, I made sure that I wasn't getting back..I needed help and a friend.  And he did help..going to my house and getting me starbucks and offering money - which I didn't accept.  The next day he comes back bringing their maid's celfone for me to use..with our picture pixelized in the old model's screen.  He gave it to my mum with the explanation that I wouldn't accept it if he gave it to me personally.

Still I made it clear I wasn't getting back. I told him thank you but he didn't need to do all these things, I am ok now.  still he calls and acts like the boyfriend he never was.  And when he continued to ask me back I told him no, he tells me that I used him.  Ugh.  So I put a sentence about it in my blog saying, "It makes everything worse when your ex accuses you of using him, very selfish."  Considering I was paranoid all the time..of the police and the criminals who knew where I live.

A bit of history and timeline.  My ex met this girl a month before he met me. He met her at a bar and she was an ugly version of his ex at that time.  He "got it on" with her and the girl became clingy..but she was ugly he then realized and didn't want to have to do anything with her.  So girl gives him an ultimatum, make her his gf or don't meet at all...apparently he must be screwing her already.  So ex happily stops meeting he, escape!  Then he met me and we had a realtionship.

Bitter girl then calls him on the cel and bawls like a crazy woman.  I was there, I heard it all.  And I was very understanding..telling my ex to let her down easy coz she prolly was in love with him.  But as months went by, I got very irritated as she would send him testimonials about how much she knew my bf more than me.   I would always tell my ex to clear things with her because I felt disrespected already.  She would pose in 2-piece suits with her cleavage out in fster, obviously to try to seduce my ex when we were still together.

Then my ex suddenly tells me that she was date-raped.  I couldn't care less really.  I'm sure she has  friends and family...I don't know her.  My ex and I when we were together exchanged passwords for transparency.  And he had a mini business where I helped by doing communications thru emails.  After being date-raped, I saw that she was sending my ex PORN EMAILS.  I was furious. What a whore and a sex-maniac.  My ex and I had a big fight about it and I told him to call her in front of me to tell her to stop communicating with him.

That was November last year.  We broke up December 2005.  I ddidn't want to have to do anything with him anymore.  I wen of to live my life, bruised, jaded..but still I went on.  I had a crush on my cousin, met Matt, realized nothing was gonna happen, got nabbed...and now this.  She places a comment on my blog:

 

 

Posted by: Dianne | December 10, 2006 09:26 PM

 

 

What is she? On hallucinogens?  And she even had the gall to post it on my friendster!  Good thing my friends all commented and booted her out.  She is a freakin' lunatic.  So I call my ex to ask what the hell?  He tells me that she's not even his gf?  But I also asked him if he's screwin' her that's why she had the gall to do all these things and he doesn't answer.  Dear  Lord...I really regret even meeting the guy!  He's such a prostitute.  Well a prostitute deserves another, right?

And even if I don't ever wanna get back with the ex, for the life of me, it's such a slap on the face having this girl parade in my face that's she's screwin my trash.

But again, friends to the rescue.  They all reminded me that some people are plain insecure.  And that I am so blessed despite all these things.  And today, I go to work singing and making today a celebration.  Because I can stop dieting and I have lost 15 lbs...and I can really feel that a lot of people love and will always help me while I am at the bottom.

And tho I had doubts putting that here.. I think I should.  Not to immortalize her but to mark the day I really stop caring and realized that I am far more blessed than I initially thought.

 

 

 

Last Saturday, I got held-up. I lost all my things...money, digicam, mp3 player and all my savings in the bank.  Plus the trauma of being with criminals for 30-45 minutes and being punched in the face.  I'll save the blow by blow detail for the police for now.

 

Okay. So by now everybody must've figured out that I have developed bouts of depression.  Tonight I could not sleep.  I started to cry because I'm just so sad.  I suddenly prayed so hard for hapiness.  I just don't want to be in this pit anymore.

And I asked myself.   What would make me happy?

1) Financial stability.  I want to be the one to provide by now instead of my parents shelling out money for me.  For godsakes they're retired!  But I have no idea how to make more money than what I'm currently earning.  I'm trying so hard to save up but it just seems what I earn is not enough.  I am saving by not taking the cab as means of transport except mornings when there is just no other way.  I sleep early so I could wake up early to avoid getting a cab from ayala mrt to my office.  I go home early so I can catch the train.  I basically revolve my life around saving now.  No unnecessary cash outflow except for bills and insurance.  Still it's not enough.  I want to be able to pay for my parent's needs, make life easier and more comfortable for them.  I am stumped as to how.

2) A career path.  I am getting older and still I don't know what to do.  I have a job which has no where to go, an ongoing masteral education that won't make me earn much.. I have nowhere to go!  I am currently planning to take the FSO...and IF, that's a big IF....I pass the horrifying exam, that means I will work at DFA for 3 years with very minimal pay then sent abroad away from my family and still with minimal pay!  Why go that direction?  I work for an embassy right now, my education points to that direction, I am nearing thirty...no chance of becoming a doctor, not a lawyer, but MAYBE a diplomat..it seems the most logical path to take.  A career path that won't promise financial stability.

3) Have faith and trust in people.  It seems friends disappoint me all the time. They betray my trust and I feel so alone.  I have learned not to rely on people because they lie and cheat all the time and always put me down any chance they get.

4) Make my parents comfortable and happy.  Theyre old. Mum's 66, my dad's 76.  They feel all the aches and hurts and  I just want them to be happy.  That means not disappointing them, being at home and sacrificing my social life, stunting my growth, thinking like an old person...

 An old friend passed by the other day.  And eventhough, life is hard on her as well, I envy the freedom.  As a military nurse and the youngest she gets to go around while two of her siblings, despite being irresponsible, stays at home to watch over her parents.  Now she's planning to go to the US to take up the board in LA.  Me, there's nobody else to watch over my parents- and there's nobody else to watch over me.  I feel trapped.

What's worse is that I thought last year I was gonna get married to a wonderful guy.  Finally somebody to help me.  Hee was a promising pilot who understood my situation but was too insecure, he needed to flirt ad cheat to make himself feel better.  He even resorted to violence.  Anyhow, he disappointed me.  Lately he tried to come back and for awhile i thought to myself, is he my ticket out?  Or was I going to another trap?   I decided not to make my life worse by going back into that relationship.  I had given him all the chances last year.

I never thought life was this hard.  I hugged my friend the other day and told her that I really hoped that life would give us a break because it's sooo hard.  I nver even thought it would be this way.  When I was young I thought I had made the right decisions.  Now I just don't know anything anymore.

Why am I writing this?  Maybe it's a call for help, trying to reach out.  It's funny coz most people here at tabulas are young..prolly can't really relate..I just hope somebody can....

 

It's sad to think that the only way to live life is to deal.  That most of the time, we do not have control on what's gonna happen. That we are left with no choice but to go on.

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Sometimes you think you have arrived, only to find out you're starting from the beginning.

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Being lost then finally finding your way..only to realize it's too late in the day.

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Most people succeed because they're selfish.  And to succeed, sometimes you have to run-over people.

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Rejection hurts.  Being patronized during the process hurts even more.

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The person who said money isn't everything is a liar.

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Being alone doesn't mean having no one to talk to or not being with someone.  It means not being able to trust anybody. 

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When I'm angry and hurt, i am more efficient.

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I'm not very sure, I have no one to compare with..but at my age I feel  I have lost so much.  Most of the time I am scared to lose some more.  Sometimes I still dream that I will arrive to where I want to go.  That I will travel with someone who understands and can be trusted.  Most of the time I despair.  Most of the time I just want to give up.

 

 

It's been about two months since I last said anything here at tabulas.

My life now in 5 sentences: A man whom I trusted with my whole life disappointed and hurt me.  I got to meet someone who I babble and babbled about.  Then I met someone else from all these babbles.  I got disappointed again with everything.  Then the man whom I trusted is back again, with all the apologies long overdue and promises that I so longed to hear.

And though I can opt to not react at all, I'll just shout out in this blog: I'M CONFUSED!  There. nobody will hear me but at least I've said it out loud.

 

 

Unfortunately life must always come with compromises.

 

Just the other day, I almost did cartwheels upon hearing my bustline just upgraded to a whopping 35" albeit I almost dropped dead in shock upon learning that my hip size is now...(drum roll please!)..so let's  just leave the specifics to the bust size, shall we?  All I can say is my hips are monstrously (as janet puts it) humungous, walloping, thumping - hayayay, I'd run out of adjectives to describe it!!!!!!!!

 

Now to divert your attention from, er, down there, where were we? Ah, compromises. Yeah, it's like getting old in exchange for wisdom (albeit not true for all).  Or experiencing the worse for a lesson well learned.  It's a hard task, always having to decide and prioritize.  Which one matters more?  We always ask ourselves on coffee Thursdays, why weren't we born like the lucky few who seem to make no compromises at all?  Those who seem to live their lives as they please.  I comfort myself in thinking that they compromise in some way too.  Compromising, next to death, is a sure fate for all of us.

 

I wonder, though, who made that rule?  Is it a consequence of time?  That's why one cannot be in two places at the same moment?  Is it a cruel joke on mortals, to make them less powerful?  Is it corollary to being human? To compromise is human, to not, divine? Is it a necessary condition or a mere fact?  Does compromising serve as our prison - a means to not fully attain freedom?  Is it the universe's answer to balance, fairness?

 

Whatever the answers, a sore fact always makes me frustrated - I can't have it all...life always has a hard side and despite all my complaining, I sleep at the end of the day saying, "It's not that bad after all..."  We may not have the best of everything most of the time, but life bargains and everything meets us halfway.

 

 

People are inherently selfish.  Nobody else can help you. Nobody will bother to see how you really are.

 Thing is, I need help.  And people whom you think will help aren't there.

Imagine my disappointment and frustration.

Imagine wanting a change but not being able to do it because of external things.  People who won't let you risk.  People who fetter your hand and feet from improving yourself.

I sometimes think if the life last year was better.  At least in my mind I felt loved (eventhough he cheated), I felt safe (eventhough he hurt me physically), I felt free (even if he restrained me from being friends with others) and I felt like a queen (even if he was disrespectful).

I am almost suicidal.  I'm tired of sleeping on the things that make my head hurt. When I sleep, I dream and then I wake up.  Is it better to not just wake up at all?

Sometimes you just want to be held because you can't say anything.  He understood that.... Can anyone else understand that?  No.  People would look away, text away and you'd end up feeling worse.